Thursday, March 11, 2010

Options

I belong to a private forum of women who are TTC/Pregnant/Mommies. We began as strangers on a public message board when we were all getting marrried, and many of us evolved into this private forum now. So, we've grown to know each other very well. We've been there through births, losses, struggles, death. We've had members who lost their infants, and members with children with cancer. We also have quite a number of members who are struggling to conceive.

Yesterday a member who is pregnant with baby number three wrote that at her 18 week ultrasound, they discovered her child MIGHT have a club foot. She's beside herself. Worried how her child won't be perfect, and she's stunned, and she just wants to go back to her normal life. Overreaction, much? No. Oh no. Not even close to an overreaction compared to her husband. Her husband is "very upset and thinks they can't handle it and they should think about options." Are you fucking for real? REALLY? Considering "options" over a club foot? Something that can be fixed with a brace or surgery? Never mind the fact that it hasn't even been confirmed, it's only a possibility.

There are several members that are very upset, myself included. There are several members that are still struggling that would do anything to have that child. We've questioned her what exactly she means by "options" but hasn't answered us. I'll be shocked if she does. I'll be shocked if she shows her face there again, yet I won't be shocked if she does show up there again and not a word is uttered about this.

18 comments:

B. said...

I cringed upon reading that, but I hate to be insensitive or judgemental. Maybe what she means by "options" isn't what springs first to our minds? But yikes... and here's where I can't help but be insensitive and judgemental... it's obvious she hasn't dealt with IF, or she'd recognize how precious that tiny life is regardless of whether or not the baby will be born with a club foot.

Heidi said...

Wow. I'm going to have to venture over there to see who this is.

When I called my bff from the hospital to tell her that my son had died, she didn't have her cell on her. When she looked at the phone and saw that I had called from the hospital she knew why I was calling but kept praying that I was going to say it was club foot.

Some of us would have given anything to hear club foot at our 18week appointment.

And I think I'll share exactly that with her.

IrishNYC said...

Heidi, if you haven't seen the source yet, you won't be surprised at all. Nor will you be surprised at the backpedaling that she's now doing. She's claiming they didn't know what a club foot is, and the was afraid, among other things, it could be a sign of Ehlers Dahlos syndrome. No, I had no idea what Ehlers Dahlos syndrome is, and had to look it up. She was afraid it could be that, yet had no idea what club foot is. Alrighty then.

russellsfeet said...

I have a 3 month old baby currently being treated for Clubfoot who is perfectly wonderful and healthy. While the process of treatment isn't the easiest, his foot is already corrected! Now we're into maintaining it with bracing.

I too found out on my 18 week ultrasound. With other 'medical findings', panic set in. Google searches showed us all sorts of misinformation about what the sums of the findings would mean.

A proper medical literature search, Genetic Counseling and a prenatal appointment at Sick Kids all indicated that there was no correlation between our baby's ultrasound blips and his Clubfoot.

We opted against an amnio or further tests beyond ultrasounds. The risks were higher for complications, resulting in possible loss of the baby than for anything else. "Options" weren't on the table. This baby was ours to have.

There is no such thing as a perfect child. Parenting is full of challenges. Hopefully, as parents we grow from the experience and become better people.

http://russellsfeet.wordpress.com/

IrishNYC said...

@ Russellsfeet - Baby W is a doll! I've only scanned through your blog quickly, but I'm so glad he's doing so well. Your family has such a positive outlook about him, right from the first news of the diagnosis. I look forward to reading your whole blog and following W's progress.

As for the woman I wrote about, she's updated us that the diagnosis is confirmed, and the baby's leg *might* be a bit short. She's distraught over it all, doesn't know if she's strong enough to handle it, and choosing to live in denial about it right now, because "it's a much more comfortable place to be right now."

I can't even respond to her to give her any support whatsoever. She's got an otherwise healthy baby, and she is absolutely devastated because her child isn't perfect. What if it was something worse, and truly life threatening. What about the other member of the same community who gave birth to a child with Trisomy 18? Or the other member who has a child with leukemia? What about the women there that would give anything to have any child, as "imperfect" as that child may be.

Maybe my judgment of this woman is clouded by her previous actions in the community that have left a bad taste in my mouth. Or, maybe she's proving herself to be the asshole I've always thought she was.

Anonymous said...

Wow, It really is no surprise by reading your blog that you would make a comment like that on the Staker blog. You are a very negative person who doesn't seem to have very much happiness in your life. I am sorry for you.
Hopefully one day you will realize that NOBODY is perfect-- not even yourself (I know... shocker).
You are a cruel, cruel person to have written such a hateful note.

Anonymous said...

Yikes! Glad I'm not the only one who is wondering "What kind of cold, callous, human being could write something so cold." It's obvious how absolutley racked with jealousy you are. Sad. Even more sad to me that there are women like you who are raising children.

IrishNYC said...

And yet, you're such cowards you leave your comments anonymously.

If anyone else is wondering what they're referring to:

http://stakerzxposed.blogspot.com/2010_02_01_archive.html

The blogger above LET HER BABY DROWN and is free to walk the streets and blog about it, and the Today Show has given her airtime, glorifying the miracle (of modern medicine, which the blogger says was really God saving him) of his survival.

Instead the Today Show should perhaps look into why she was allowed to blow off the detective that wanted to question her. Or why she was negligent enough to leave her baby unattended in the bathtub in the first place.

I firmly stand by my belief that Sara Staker should be locked up, and if she were not a member of such a tight-knit Mormon community, you bet your ass there would be a woman in jail right now.

IrishNYC said...

PS: The support on Sara's blog in praise of what a wonderful woman she is is disgusting. If Sara was a poor woman with darker skin than these supporter, they'd be damning her to hell for all eternity.

Anonymous said...

Wow! If we put all parents in jail that made mistakes, there would be no one left to raise the kids. Whether you agree or not with her or her beliefs or stuff like that, it was just lame of you to come over and say that to her. If you read all her postings you will see the guilt she feels.

Oh, and I like the few before posted anomously so you don't come say something ruid at my blog.

Erin said...

Ladies, please, please, visit the Stakers blog.
http://stakerzxposed.blogspot.com/2010_02_01_archive

It is positive, inspiring, and most importantly, uplifting. It's a wonderful story. Isn't that what we're all searching for in life? To learn from other people's mishaps and take an oppurtunity to better ourselves? Be better mother's to our babies? But if back-biting, gossip, anger, hatred, and jealousy are your cup of tea, the Staker's blog won't be for you.

IrishNYC said...

Don't worry, I have nothing to say to any of you on your blogs. Not interested at all.

But, I've made the comments open only to those with ID's for now. Since I was brave enough to own my comment on Sara's blog, own your words here, or don't say a thing.

Erin said...

Life is just too short. What is it you acheive by trying to further hurt and humiliate someone who has already been hurt and humiliated? It is my sincere hope that you soften your heart and your words. If not for youself, for your sweet baby girl.

Shana said...

You know... what everyone is saying is so true. I feel very sorry for you and especially your baby. It is not just about drowning... it is about the little mistakes us parents make every single day! Heaven forbid your baby never falls down your stairs or off your bed as you turn your head for a second. Heaven forbid your baby never chokes because you don't cut the food up small enough. Heaven forbid your baby isn't outside playing when you or someone else accidently runs her over not noticing she is outside playing. Heaven forbid your baby doesn't ever fall and get a scrape on her knee because you are the mom that NEVER takes your eyes off of her for not even 2 seconds. Stop blogging or something might happen to her! Seriously, we all make mistakes and maybe once you have more than one child, you will understand. We get busy and we do things we wouldn't normally do with only one child. Every mother multi tasks and every mother makes mistakes!! I would love to ask your daughter once she is grown how perfect you were in raising her. Because believe me... there will be mistakes!! And no... it is not that Sara is white and mormon that people are behind her. You can clearly see she is a good woman who loves her children. She is wanting people to learn from her mistake. What you write doesn't even touch the guilt and pain she has already felt so you can't even bring her down further. You are so jealous... it really shows. Quit writing such negative things and maybe try to think of something nice to actually write about. Your whole blog is negative! It shows what type of person you are and I'm sure you are miserable to be around.. try lifting others for a change.. I hope you can find happiness in your life. Especially for your baby. Good luck having people support you in this. It is obvious that you are one of the small FEW people that actually have something negative to say!

IrishNYC said...

Shana, there's a huge difference between a child falling and scraping their knee and leaving your baby alone in a bathtub. I would NEVER leave my child alone in a bathtub for even a second. I would never leave my child near stairs for the blink of an eye.

Sara was negligent, period, and you are blinded by your faith.

I'm not going to address anymore of Sara's defenders. Clearly you can't see the forest for the trees, and nothing will ever change your minds.

Shana said...

So you really think I am Mormon? I just believe that miracles do happen. I think that this is what this whole thing is really about-- You despise Mormons. Is that right?? There were MANY people who commented who were not Mormon and even said so--
No, there really isn't a huge difference in the things that I listed. At one point the mother turns her head and anything could happen. You really don't know how it is when you have more than one child. What if you were helping one of your children and the other was getting hurt while you were with the other? Until you are in her shoes, never judge.
You are obviously only wanting attention and I am done giving it to you. WAKE UP.

Shannon Kilstrom Photography said...

Praying for you and for your family. I hope that you are able to find true happiness with yourself and your life. God Bless...

Heidi said...

Wow. Just wow. I can't see how you people think that Irish needs love and more God in her life. Have you read her blog at all? She is an amazing woman. What do you know about her? Obviously nothing. You are reading the blog of a woman who has had her heart ripped out by infertility and got the most wonderful blessing that anyone can have at the end of it all, her beautiful daughter.

And then she reached out to help other infertile women, me included. She donated all of her leftover fertility medications, OVER $10,000 worth. Refused to accept any payment for it.

And here you all are defending a woman who neglected her son. Basically left him to die. Yes, her story has a happy ending, thanks to the miracle that is modern medicine.

I simply don't see how you all don't see that she left her child to die. She got distracted by laundry. Folding her laundry was more important to her than making sure her child stayed alive. Laundry should NEVER be more important than a child.

Lori and I may just have a better understanding of how important children are. We have worked so hard to have them. In fact I haven't even been lucky enough to bring one into the world yet. I just don't see how you can be all proud of this woman for letting her child drown. I don't get it.

I am thrilled to bits that he lived. I am thankful beyond words that the doctors were able to save her. I hope that this wakes her up because I am willing to bet that this wasn't the first time that she has neglected her children, but I'm hoping this is the last.