Shrubs

Potty Training!

2011-09-10T21:52:00.002-04:00

I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted here. Life with a two year old is pretty busy, I guess! Sassy's speech evaluation turned out to be fruitless. She was so close to qualifying for help, but didn't. We were advised to have her evaluated again at 2, but in the last few weeks her speech has absolutely taken off. We even get sentences now, and she's become quite the little parrot. My favorite phrase of hers lately is "____ weh ah yooo?" This started about 10 days ago when we were at the beach with my sister's family. We all got back in our cars and were heading to meet our aunt, and Sassy kept calling out, "Bitbit (Elizabeth), weh ah yoooo?" "Mlahmlah (Grandma), weh ah yooooo?" Sadly, she's also taken to calling me, "Mommy" instead of "Mamma." :-(

Potty training is going VERY well! We bought one a few months ago after we moved, and left it out for her to explore for a while, but it was nothing but a toy to her, so we put it away. Then a couple of months ago we bought the Elmo potty training DVD, but she showed no interest in that either. Thankfully, that was put away, too, because it's probably the WORST DVD ever. I'd rather watch 24/7 Barney. Last week when we came home from vacation we put the potty in the bathroom. She knew what going potty was from us talking it up and seeing us go, so she sat on it, fully clothed, right away. After a few tries at that I took her diaper off and let her try. The first time she went, I think was complete luck, but we praised and clapped and "good girl!"ed it up. She did it a second time the other day. Today she told me she had to to peepee, so I sat her down. We'd been having a bad day all around, so I didn't buy it, and didn't have patience for it, but within a few minutes she told me, "Peepee coming!" and a minute later, there it was! No rewards, no bribes, she just seems to be getting it!

My biggest fear after potty training? Brining her in public bathrooms. *cry* I thought about that more than once on our vacation. The railroad station where the stall was up a step and barely had room for a roll of tp, the rest area bathroom on I-95, the public bathroom in Ptown, the bathroom on the harbor cruise boat. Ugh. I don't want to go in some of these places, let alone deal with a toddler in them.

Words!

2011-03-25T20:59:00.003-04:00

Miss B hasn't be very quick to talk. In fact we just had her evaluated last week after putting it off until we moved. She had maybe 5 words then. All of a sudden she's got a ton! Off the top of my head she says:

hi
bye
momma (omg! makes me cry! she said daddy for the longest time but no momma)
daddy
dog
bird
snow
Elmo (or really, "mo")
bowl
light (dight)
eye
nose
hand
baby
bath
butterfly (comes out as bye-eye)
night night
yes
book
ball
no

Wow! It's even more than I thought now that I list them. She hasn't been very receptive to signing, either, even though I started teaching her at 6 months. She's a funny little bugger, too. We have conversations like this:

"Did you toot?"
*nods* "Doot!" (She hasn't said "doot" since, so I don't count it as a word.)

Cracks. me. up!

Leaving my baby!

2011-03-04T22:23:00.002-05:00

April is going to be a big month for leaving Miss B behind. We're taking a much-needed three night trip and leaving her with my mom for 4 nights. An early flight necessitates the extra night. I'm a little worried about my mom having her for 3 full days because that's a lot of running after her. I'm also going to miss her so much! I've only been away from her twice overnight and it felt so weird. Both times she was with my mom and we were just a half hour away at home. This time we'll be a three hour flight away. Yikes!

The week after that I'll be away overnight again... by. my. self. I am going away for a girls' weekend. Getting on a plane. Meeting a friend as soon as I land at 8am waiting for another friend to land an hour later, and then the insanity begins. Sassy is staying home with her Daddy. I suspect they'll both be going to sleep at the same time, especially since I'll be leaving before they're up in the morning. I wonder how many texts/phone calls I'll get. ;)

Moving Day is Near!

2011-02-16T16:38:00.002-05:00

Do you know how hard it is to move with an 18 month old underfoot? Holy crap! We're moving locally, so we've had the luxury of being able to go back and forth between the two places for the last 10 days, but it hasn't really been easy. I spend a few hours here in our old place packing, then head over there after B's nap to clean and put stuff away. I can't really bring anything between the two while I'm alone because once I get to the new place it's a flight up, and who knows how far away I have to park, so I can't just leave her in the car or inside while I run back and forth. I have to wait for the hubs to come home, or for my mom to come over.

But, the pressure is on. The movers are coming on Saturday. I just spent some time packing, and I think I need to run out for more boxes in the morning, then come home, and pack like a crazy woman. Friday morning I'll be over at the new place waiting for cable to come.

I think the people underneath us at the new place complained about us already. Bitches. The rules of the co-op (like a condo, but a little different. They're pretty much only popular in NYC.) state that we have to have 75% of the floor covered with carpets. The previous owner left his carpets, and they are pretty much covered, but a baby running around in an empty apartment with no furniture is going to make noise. I called the management company for some issues, and when she asked me what unit number it was, she snapped, "Oh! You know you need to have those floors carpeted!" I felt like she was accusing me of something, and why mention carpet when I was calling about a broken window and a door that isn't up to code unless someone said something. It was her tone. Whatever. I told her the previous owner left the carpets, and if it was fine while he was here, it's fine for us.

Who could be hating on this kid, anyway?

A Heavy Heart (Very sensitive)

2011-01-04T20:40:00.006-05:00

This has been a rough week in my circle of friends. One friend lost her mother unexpectedly, another lost her mother-in-law after a long battle with cancer. There is one loss, however, that I just can't, in my worst nightmare, grasp.

My friend M lost her sweet daughter today. L was 14 days old and died of congestive heart failure. I just cannot wrap my head around this. I cannot imagine how I could go on. I can't stop picturing my own child in a scene too awful to even describe, yet it just keeps playing in my head. My heart is broken in a million pieces for M, her husband and their son.

Sadly, M isn't the only friend I have that's lost their child. Another friend lost her 3 month old to SIDS. Another lost her newborn to Trisomy-18. Just this summer my friend A lost her son in her 20th week of her pregnancy to a cord accident. And Heidi, who lost her son Blue at 17 weeks gestation. My heart breaks for all of these wonderful women who have been there for me through my fertility struggles, and watch my daughter grow.

My heart was heavy as I put my daughter to bed tonight. I hugged her a little more, kissed her a few extra times, and had a bit more patience as she cried. I hope I never have to see her go, and I hope it's a very long time before she says goodbye to me.

Much love to all my friends near and far tonight.

Snow!

2010-12-14T13:44:00.001-05:00

Sassypants got her first real look at snow. We had plenty last winter, but she had no clue. She loved touching it this morning.

Still a Redhead!

2010-10-09T08:17:00.002-04:00

This is from a failed attempt at a contest submission. I realized after I took the photo that I couldn't have a licensed character on her clothes for the entry. Guess I'll have to try again!

Hungry Girl... and then I went on a tangent

2010-10-07T07:59:00.004-04:00

Miss B has been sleeping through the night with no dream feed for about 2 months now, I guess. It's soooo nice to go to bed at 9pm if I want and not have to worry about feeding her. However, twice this week now she's needed a bottle. Once at 11pm, and last night at midnight.

The first night I didn't realize she was hungry and just kept trying to soothe her. When nothing worked, the husband got the bottle she hadn't finished before bed. (Yes, she still gets a bottle at bedtime. It's just a part of our routine that I'm not ready to give up. B probably is, but not me.) She sucked down the 2 or 3 ounces of milk left in there and was looking for more, so we gave her another 3 or so. She went right back to sleep when she was done. Woot!

Last night she woke up at 12. I had just fallen asleep, so I went right for the solution that worked the night before - a bottle of milk. JB got her out of the crib while I filled a bottle. I came back and B started chatting it up. "Hi! Hi? Hiiiiiii." Sorry, kid, cute does not work at that hour, especially when Momma isn't feeling good. Just drink your milk! She settled in and started drinking right away.

While she was drinking I realized how big she'd gotten recently. Yesterday I put a pair of Gap jeans on her that were 6-12 months and they were tight at the waist, and way too short. They were still too long and too big last week! All of her 6-12 tee shirts are suddenly belly shirts, too. She's still got some smaller things that she fits in, like 9 month size Carter's onesies, and a few 12 month shirts from sets, but I don't really want her wearing just tops from matched sets because I don't want the shirts wearing before the pants.

There are 5 or 6 bins of baby clothes all stacked up in our bedroom. I've pretty much come to terms with being done having babies, and I'm pretty sure my bff, sister and sister-in-law are, too, so I'm considering selling them. We don't have any consignment shops nearby, and many friends have told me that you don't make much that way anyway, so that's out. I'd love to have a yard sale, but we don't have a yard or anywhere else to set up. I think yard sale season might be over anyway, and we're so busy we wouldn't be able to do it until a few weeks from now anyway. I think I might go the way of craigslist and sell lots of items. The prospect of cash right before the holidays sounds good to me. Whatever doesn't sell that way I'll donate. At least we'll get the tax write-off, and someone that needs the clothes can use them. What worries me about craigslist is actually selling it. I've already tried to sell a travel swing and bouncy seat, and didn't even get one email on them. Maybe I was overpriced, but I looked at other ads for similar items to price it, and you'd think I'd at least get some lowball offers. I ended up giving the swing to my cousin, but I still have the bouncy. I want to get rid of stuff before we move! At least the clothes are packed up, but OMG now that I'm thinking about all the other baby stuff that isn't packed and I don't have boxes for... ugh!

Crybaby

2010-09-24T22:39:00.002-04:00

One of the worst days ever. I've recently been on my own a lot with B because the boy has been working a lot. Working a lot is great for me, because it just means more time I don't have to get a job, but working a lot sucks for me because taking care of a super active one year old is hard!

B isn't a crier at all. Today? Three hours straight of crying. Complete with a gloriously snotty nose, big fat tears, drooling, clinging... the works. The only thing that consoled her was letting her play with my cell phone. Then when that didn't work anymore I took her in for a diaper change. That also tends to get her refocused when she's having a moment, but this time? She fell asleep... STILL CRYING!

The poor thing. She was just overtired because she didn't nap well today at all. She completely refused dinner, but sucked down a bottle of milk... while still crying!.. in no time flat, then went right to sleep. She was out before 6pm. it's almost 11pm now, and I still haven't heard a peep from her.

I'm sure I just doomed myself to a long night and early morning.

Today

2010-09-11T10:13:00.002-04:00

I don't know why this year is the hardest for me yet. Maybe it's my recent elevated anxiety (which has been in much better control lately), maybe it's because while it's the second year with a child, last year she was still a wee newborn and too much of a handful to dwell on the day. This year I have an easygoing toddler, and my mind has the freedom and time to wander more. Maybe it's the elevated tensions of the "Mosque at Ground Zero" issue, or the jackhole Koran-burning "Christian." Maybe it's because my husband is a block from where he was that day, and that wasn't a good place.

I hope my child never has to wittness a day like the one we remember today.

AARRRRGGHHHHH!

2010-09-06T09:43:00.003-04:00

Girlfriend has learned to scream. Hold me. It's not cute little baby crying at the top of her lungs screaming. It's all out, "OMG I'M BEING MURDERED UP IN HERE!" style screaming. People in the general vicinity who don't realize there's a baby here must surely think there's some sort of torture going on in the neighborhood. The neighbors upstairs just moved out 2 weeks ago; I hope the new ones are prepared. They're in luck anyway - we're about to move, too. Howdy new neighbors! Enjoy the ear piercing screams! I'm already mortified.

Click!

2010-08-25T20:40:00.002-04:00

It's amazing how everything has clicked for Sassy since she turned one. No more bottles, no more baby food (she refused most table food before unless it was mashed beyond recognition), she's just about walking! Best of all, no more 11pm feeding. We'd tried several times to see if she whether she'd wake up or not if we didn't dream feed her, and she never made it through. Most times she woke up just around 11 anyway, and once made it to 12:30. All of a sudden the other night she flipped the hell out when we got her up for her bottle, so we put her right back down and she went back to sleep. The next night - same thing. She cried and screamed, and slapped the bottle away. The next night I filled a bottle with milk, put it in a cooler bag next to the bed, fully expecting her to wake up. Nothing. Monday night - same thing. Last night I finally said I wasn't wasting another 6 ounces of milk (it's too warm in the morning for me to be comfortable giving to her). I'd get up and fill a bottle if she needed it. Nothing.

This is awesome!

One year!

2010-08-06T08:03:00.002-04:00

How did we get from this

to this?!

Happy Birthday, sweet girl! You make every day worth living!

That wasn't fun

2010-05-24T21:54:00.003-04:00

Two weeks ago, the boy and I both woke up feeling really shitty. My throat didn't hurt but I couldn't swallow, and I was just exhausted. Ok, exhausted more than usual. I felt bad enough to go right to the walk-in doctor as soon as they opened. DH didn't go, but he did have a fever. The next morning he went to the same doctor, and while I was there they called me with the results of my strep test. Positive.

B had been slightly feverish, and had a runny nose the week before. Never more than 101.1, and she was mostly herself. We'd also been to the ped for her 9 month check up and I told him about the fever. He said she seemed fine, there were no signs of anything, so don't worry unless the fever got high.

With me having strep, DH probably having it, I wasn't taking a chance. I called the ped and got an appointment for later that morning. Just my luck, Dr. K walked in. Grrrr. I told him her symptoms from the week before, and that I was just confirmed with strep, and that DH likely had it. Before I could finish talking he told me, "Babies don't get strep." He had her swabbed anyway and I waited for the quick results. (Of course he didn't tell me why I was waiting, he just left and said he'd be back. Oh joy.) The quick test came back negative, and he sent me on my way.

Three days later the ped office called. Positive for strep. Three days! Why was my test and DH's test back in 24 hours? I was fuming. I was fuming at how he dismissed me, at how he treated me, and at how long it took for them to get back to me with the results. I ran out in my strep-induced stupor (I was completely dysfunctional, DH even more so because he's a man, after all) and got a prescription for her. Good old pink bubblegum tasting amoxicillan. Aahh memories.

Today was the last day of her antibiotics, and it didn't end soon enough. Her sleep has been awful, her appetite either nil or ravenous, and the ravenous, when it happens, happens every 2 hours all night long and is accompanied by the worst crying you've ever heard. She cries a lot, too. ;-)

Not recommended

2010-05-11T15:14:00.002-04:00

Pooping in the tub. Gross. Especially when you're doing bathtime solo. It was made even worse by the fact that she was getting a menthol bath because she's got a cold. Poop + menthol x water = oh holy freaking gross. We've been using the Safety First Bath Seat, and once I got B all cleaned up and into the exersaucer for safe keeping, I had to pick poop out of all the grooves and crevices of the seat. Soft, mentholy, wet poop. Gag. Gag gag gag gag gag! The tub, tub toys, and seat were bleached within an inch of their lives, and I almost never use bleach. In fact, I no longer had a big bottle of Clorox around, and had to use a spray bottle of bleach bathroom cleaner that I only happened to have until it was finished because I've been using vinegar to clean for the most part. So, yeah, bleached everything, then soaked everything in the tub with vinegar to get the nasty bleachiness off of it.

I hope that was the first and last time for that bit of fun.

No time to post, I'm chasing a baby!

2010-04-27T07:35:00.002-04:00

Sometimes at nap time or bed time I just need to sit here and relish the silence and calm. Life with an eight month old is anything but.

At B's six month checkup I was worried that she could only roll in one direction, and couldn't sit on her own at all for even a second. Here we are two months later and she can sit, scoot on her butt, almost crawl, turn, throw things, and grab anything in her reach. She can also cruise along the sofa and ottoman if I stand her up. She'll pull herself up on me if I'm sitting on the floor with her, and I caught her trying to pull herself up in the crib the other day. She hasn't really tried it on the furniture yet, but as I sit here watching her as I type, she pulled herself up from sitting to standing with the use of her toy chest. Heart attack time.

As for the throwing... OMG. I'm just waiting for something to go through the TV. Living in a tiny NYC apartment, things are tight, so the TV is never far from throwing distance. I've thought about mounting it higher up, but our walls are either steel and some sort of material we've tried to drill into and can't, or cardboard, so I don't think mounting is a possibility.

Really, she's such a pleasure. She's content, giggly, smiley, and adorable. I could sit and watch her all day, and generally, I do. She "dances" when she hears music, and "sings" when we get in the car. She travels well, and sleeps easily in new places. Last week I went to see my sister and it was so fun to watch her with my 15 month old nephew. This weekend we'll be seeing him again, along with my 11, 12, and 14 month old cousins. It seems like a lifetime ago that I would have been avoiding this upcoming weekend like the plague.

But sometimes no news is good news!

2010-03-25T14:45:00.003-04:00

Congratulations to B at no news isn't always good news, and her husband C on the arrival of beautiful Charlotte Joan! I'd been waiting in anticipation for days since her water broke on Sunday.

Congratulations, and welcome to the world, Charlotte!

Clarification

2010-03-16T08:04:00.005-04:00

If anyone is wondering what the hubbub is all about in the comments on my previous post...

Sara Staker is a woman who let her 18 month old child drown.

Some of her followers who have commented below allude to her "turning her head for a second," but by Sara's own admission in her blog, she did not merely turn her head. She left the room while her children were in the bathtub.

I started their water.
I put them in the tub with their fish toys and their boats.
I set out their towels. I played with them a few minutes while the tub filled.
I ran their water a few inches deep. I turned off the faucet.
I poked my head around the corner into our bedroom to check on Trevan.
I told him he looked cold and suggested he go get his pajamas on.
He said he was too tired to go get them.
And... so I left...
Which turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life...
I should have been more attentive.
I should never have walked away from that tub....
I walked down the hallway to Trevan and Daynen's room to get Trevan his pajamas.
I should have come straight back...
But I noticed Daynen's bed was still unmade.
And I saw the Laundry basket full of clean clothes
that Matt had carefully set on the end of the bed that morning,
ready to be put away when Trevan did his chores.
So I thought I'd be nice and do it for him.
I took the shirts Matt had hooked over the side and hung them on the rod in Trevan's closet.
I took the folded stack of jeans and placed them on the shelf.
I straightened the row of shoes on the floor.
While I was in the closet, I got out a diaper and onesie
so I could get Daynen dressed when I got him out of the tub.
I closed the closet door...
Basket in hand, I stepped over to the dresser to put away the socks and underwear.
I heard a muffled shout from Trevan.
I set the basket down, alarmed.
Then Trevan came running,
"Mom! Mom! Bronson drowned in the tub! I think he's dead!"
I ran.
It was very far to the bathtub.
He was floating on his back. White. Lips blue. Eyes rolled back. Gone.

That is not turning your head for a second. She was gone for minutes. That is carelessness. Negligence. Criminal.

She wrote the above a day or two after the incident while her child was still in the hospital. It's a lengthy, verbose description of the events of the day, which include telling off a police detective who dared to want to question her about the drowning. Add a charge of Obstruction of Justice to the charge of Reckless Engangerment of a Child. Oh, that's right, she's not being charged with anything.

Bronson did live. Through the miracle of modern medicine. A miracle of God? No. I believe in God. I believe miracles can happen. Had Bronson suddenly sat up after having CPR administered, sure, that would have been a miracle. Instead, Bronson had an experimental procedure performed on him, and was in a coma for thirteen days. That is medicine. Bronson doesn't appear to have any brain damage. Ok, that's a miracle. His life, I believe, is due to modern medicine, and nothing more.

I do not hate Mormons. I am not jealous. I'm not full of hate, angry, or whatever else the pollyanna commenters on my blog and Sara's blog have said. That's nonsense. The comments on the story from the Today Show that I've linked to above pretty much concur with what I feel. Yes, I do believe Sara Staker needs to be held responsible. I do believe that if she was not a member of such a tight-knit community in Salt Lake City, and instead a poor woman in the inner city somewhere, that she would be behind bars right now.

Options

2010-03-11T06:54:00.004-05:00

I belong to a private forum of women who are TTC/Pregnant/Mommies. We began as strangers on a public message board when we were all getting marrried, and many of us evolved into this private forum now. So, we've grown to know each other very well. We've been there through births, losses, struggles, death. We've had members who lost their infants, and members with children with cancer. We also have quite a number of members who are struggling to conceive.

Yesterday a member who is pregnant with baby number three wrote that at her 18 week ultrasound, they discovered her child MIGHT have a club foot. She's beside herself. Worried how her child won't be perfect, and she's stunned, and she just wants to go back to her normal life. Overreaction, much? No. Oh no. Not even close to an overreaction compared to her husband. Her husband is "very upset and thinks they can't handle it and they should think about options." Are you fucking for real? REALLY? Considering "options" over a club foot? Something that can be fixed with a brace or surgery? Never mind the fact that it hasn't even been confirmed, it's only a possibility.

There are several members that are very upset, myself included. There are several members that are still struggling that would do anything to have that child. We've questioned her what exactly she means by "options" but hasn't answered us. I'll be shocked if she does. I'll be shocked if she shows her face there again, yet I won't be shocked if she does show up there again and not a word is uttered about this.

Memories

2010-02-22T08:22:00.002-05:00

My baby smells like my Grandmother. Not constantly, but every once in a while I get a whiff of Grandma's Ivory soap that she always used. I've never bought Ivory soap or any other Ivory products, and all of the soaps and detergents I use on B are unscented. I first noticed it last night as I was giving her her last bottle before putting her to bed for the evening, and it brought me to tears. Just a few minutes ago when I put her down in her exersaucer so I could check my email and have a much-needed cup of coffee, I smelled it again. At this moment she's talking to someone or something up near the ceiling, occasionally reaching for it as it seems to move around, and although she's about 5 feet away from me, I can smell Ivory.

Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm just missing her and my dad terribly and I'm grasping at straws here. She's been gone for a little over 9 years now. I really hope B has the same wonderful relationship with my mom as I had with my Grandmother, and that she has her in her life for even longer than I did.

Airport Security

2010-02-16T09:34:00.003-05:00

3:15am Saturday morning we woke up to head to the airport to fly to Florida. This was after a 2 hour car ride to get to the airport, and a night in a hotel. I was exhausted to say the least. Seven of us got to the airport at about 5am for a 7am flight. Four adults, one 5 year old, a 22 month old, and a 6 month old. Our little family of 3 took up 6 bins at security. Then, as usual, I set off the metal detector. It's always my underwire. Always. They always insist it's not, and then then wand me, and guess what? It is my underwire. So, B and I are in the little wanding area, the rest of our group is repacking all our bags and theirs, and the TSA agent is being a chattering conversationalist. We got to our gate as they were calling the third group for boarding.

That alone was reason enough to do nothing for the next 7 days.

I think I hate the pediatrician

2010-02-04T09:12:00.002-05:00

Bonus: it's not just one doctor, it's an entire practice of 7 doctors.

I took B for her 6 month well-check the other day, and I had a few questions and very mild concerns. I left feeling like I come from another planet.

First we'll start with Dr. K. As of 2 weeks ago, B's chart is marked that she is never to see him. My extreme dislike of him started at her very first visit at 5 days old. He's always come off as arrogant, and has a terrible bedside manner. The final straw was at the appointment 2 weeks ago, which was for shots. I asked him when she would get the chicken pox vax, and then said I was considering not giving it to her. He pretty much called me stupid. "That would be a dumb thing to do. Don't you know what the risks of chicken pox are? She could die!" Look dickhead, people have been getting chicken pox for years and living. Death is rare. I had it, the husband had it, millions of people my age had it, and we're still here to tell the tale. It's fine if the doctor disagrees with me on whether to give it to her or not, but to not discuss my concerns with me is not acceptable. Being that it wasn't the first or second or third time I didn't like the way this doctor spoke to me, I'd had enough.

Yesterday at her well-check, the Dr. C, whom I'd liked in the past, suggested I start giving B eggs so that she can have the flu shot, specifically the H1N1 shot. So, I asked if I should give her the whole egg, or just the yolk. I'd read, and know from friends, that most doctors suggest not giving egg white before a year because they can trigger allergies. Dr. C said he'd never heard of that, and just go ahead and give her the whole egg. Ok, then. So, then I expressed my concern with giving her the H1N1 shot, and I said I wasn't really comfortable with it. I didn't get it myself, I didn't get a regular flu shot, and neither did the husband. Again, instead of addressing my concerns, he steamrolled right over me and said to make an appointment for 2-3 weeks after I've given her eggs for her to have the H1N1 shot. Another strike.

I then asked about Dr. Sears' dosage for Tylenol, because his chart indicates a bit more than the practice had advised me to give her. Dr. C had no idea who Dr. Sears is. For real? Then he mumbles something about how many milliliters in suspension per kilo she could have if i really felt like she needed it, but really all I heard was "blah blah blah just give her what I told you and stop asking silly questions." Never heard of Dr. Sears. I was stunned.

My last "big" issue from the visit is more that I didn't get an answer that I wanted to hear, but it's enough to bother me. We'll be going to Florida soon, and I wanted to know if there was any particular sunscreen he recommended for her. I was hoping to hear some all-natural, good for babies brand. Instead, he told me to just go to Target and the store brand marked for "sensitive skin" would be just fine. Really? I mean, yeah, I know it's fine, but I'm a little more concerned than that about putting chemicals on her skin. This is more my own issue. I know this. I'm not full on nutty-crunchy-I only shop at Whole Foods-granola, but I do try to only give B organic food, and use all-natural products, or at least the least-harmful chemicals, as often as possible. There have been other things in the past that this particular doctor said to use, like baby oil, which most doctors frown upon these days for whatever reason, that really surprised me, so this was yet another straw on the camel's back.

I told the husband about these things, and a few others, when I got home, and he thinks I'm being a little too sensitive. Ok, sometimes I am too sensitive, but I don't think this is a case. He agrees with me on the H1N1 shot, and I think I'm going to cancel that appointment. She needs a few boosters before her next well-check, so I'm going to go through with those, and then hubs is going to come with me to her 9 month well-check and do some question asking of his own, so he can gauge their concern. (Yeah, right, I want to see him ask a question! When that man isn't at work he shuts it like a clam.) I don't want to look for a new pediatrician, but I have a feeling I will be.

Growing so fast!

2010-01-31T23:33:00.002-05:00

Last week I finally retired her last two pais of size 0-3month pajamas because she couldn't really straighten her legs out in them. The 3-6 month pjs were still huge on her. Tonight I put on a pair of pajamas that just last week were too big. Her feet didn't quite reach the pj feet, and the sleeves were way too long. Now the length is perfect for her, and I only had to fold the cuff once. I know they didn't shrink because they're fleece, and they've already been washed a few times. I'm squeezing her into these as long as I can because I don't want to have to buy pajamas for winter and only have her wear them for a week or two before she's ready for summer pjs, since we seem to go from freezing winter to sweltering summer so quickly here in NYC the last few years. (Wait, that's not true. We had a mild summer last year. I'd really like that again. I don't think we had the air conditioner on until August last year. My electric bill was happy!)

All the colors of the rainbow

2010-01-21T07:39:00.001-05:00

Peas and green beans = green poop

Carrots = orange poop

Insanity, Remembered

2010-01-04T22:02:00.003-05:00

I have heartburn from tonight's dinner, and remembered a bit of insanity from my insane delivery. I had horrendous heartburn throughout my pregnancy, and carried around the largest size Tums they sell in Target because I ate them so often. While in labor I was dying of heartburn and it was taking forever for a doctor to approve something for me to take. I begged them to let me have some of my own Tums, but they had to get a doctor to approve that as well. Finally I begged my husband to just give me one... just one... please! It was the second best thing I ate during that ordeal.

Who Stole My Sleeper?

2010-01-04T20:46:00.002-05:00

O.M.G. The screaming. The crying. The little eyes staring at me!

B has been a great sleeper pretty much since she was 2 weeks old. Until the last few days. Oh holy hell in a 14 pound body. We've been putting her to bed at 6ish, like we've been doing for 5 months. She falls asleep right away. Tonight she even fell asleep in my arms while I was feeding her at about 5:30. Two hours later... the screaming! Last night I was ready to get in the car at midnight and just drive around when she finally fell asleep.

Even now as I type this, she's out here in the living room in the exersaucer chatting away to herself and all the toys on it, because putting her in the crib just results in a tear fest, and I'm pretty sure the neighbor upstairs doesn't really want to vacuum again tonight like he has for the last three nights, presumably to drown out the screams. I'll be baking him cookies as an apology asap.

I think it's got something to do with solids. We started them last week, and it's totally messed up her eating schedule. I've got to nail down a new one before I lose my mind. She was ok the first few days, but now she's up to 2 tablespoons 3 times a day, and then doesn't want to drink. The pediatrician recommended giving her the solids, then a bottle, but she has no interest in the bottle if I do that. Switch it around, and no interest in food. I've got to space them out. That starts tomorrow.

Happy Teeth!

2009-12-22T20:33:00.004-05:00

Except for the fact that she goes to sleep like a dream every night between 6 and 7, but then wakes up screaming like a banshee 2 hours later, this is one happy kid! She laughs and giggles all day long. Charms every stranger she sees by giving them her toothy little smile. Today I carried her in my arms into Hallmark because she's getting too heavy to carry in the infant bucket, and with all the snow here combined with my clumsiness carrying her in it isn't a good idea, and that store is way too crowded for the giant Chicco Cortina that the bucket goes in. (I knew when I left the house I was going to Hallmark - that's why I went out! so I don't know why I didn't grab the MacLaren as I left. Oh, probably because I'm lucky I remembered to dress myself.)

We've been leaving a dim light on in the bedroom when we put B to bed, so that if she wakes up and cries, we don't have to turn on the bright overhead light to get her. Last night when I put her back to bed after her 2 hour banshee act plus a feeding, she was babbling to her mobile, so I turned the light off so she couldn't see it to talk to it. She quieted right down and fell asleep, just like she does after I feed her at 5:30am. Only took me 4.5 months to figure that one out. Momma's a genius! Tonight she started her banshee act again, so I went in there and soothed her, then turned the light off. She was sucking her thumb and quiet within 30 seconds.

I hope this kid has more common sense than I currently do. I may have qualified for MENSA pre-pregnancy, but these days I belong under a dunce cap.

These are the days

2009-12-14T14:43:00.002-05:00

There are some days I don't think my whole body gets wet when I shower because I do it so quickly. The important parts get clean.

I'm sure I've gone out without brushing my teeth.

I know I've gone out without brushing my hair, and I've gone days and days without washing it.

I almost went out in slippers the other day.

Shave my legs? What's that?!

Makeup? The people at the grocery store don't care if I look like a hag. I'm shopping during the day anyway, so the store is full of senior citizens that have worse skin than me.

I've done laundry in my pajamas. At the laundrymat.

I often eat a Pop Tart for breakfast because i can put it next to me on the sofa or bed as I feed Miss B. I often end up with the filling smeared on my shirt anyway because I'm such a klutz, so cereal would be a disaster.

The forgetfulness doesn't only extend to things I do to myself. More than once I've changed a diaper, only to forget to put a clean one on her. It's always happened at night, when I'm dead tired. I notice it when I pick her up and realize her pajamas are too roomy. Luckily I've always caught it before she wet herself.

Can you belive she's almost 4 and a half months old? I hardly can. I still look at her in amazement every day.

Giving Thanks

2009-12-09T06:49:00.002-05:00

Wow! I can't believe it's been so long since I updated! B is now 4 months old and we all survived her first cold. We also survived her first long car trip.

We spent Thanksgiving in NH with my family, and I was a little nervous about the trip. I rode up with my mom, because the husband had to work Thanksgiving morning. She's a hideously slow driver, and most rides in the car have a soundtrack of me saying, "You cannot be the slowest car on the road! It's just not safe!" Because when you're on I-95 surrounded by trucks blowing by at 80 and 90, you do not want to be in the Accord going 67. Yes, she sets her cruise control for 67, and even then she's nervous going those two whole miles per hour over the speed limit. Oy vey. Anyway, we stopped a few times on the way up, mostly for me to pee, because my bladder just isn't what it used to be. We only stopped for me to feed B once. She did get a bit cranky towards the end of the trip, but I was cranky too, so I don't blame her. The trip home was much better. I think it took us a little over 3 hours, only stopping for me.

Despite the recent loss of my dad, there was much to be thankful for this year. Last Thanksgiving I was miserable for so many reasons. This year we were surrounded by all the new babies. They were all so much fun and so good. It's amazing how much has changed in a year.

Just over a year ago I got my BFP. I never thought I'd see that. Every day when I look at little B I'm amazed that she's here. She's such a happy girl. Always wakes up with a smile. Always chatty and giggling. I barely remember what it's like to not have her here.

Teeth!

2009-11-12T23:25:00.004-05:00

For the last couple of weeks I've suspected B was beginning to teethe, but some friends of mine thought that she was just drooling so much because that's what babies do at 3 months old. I could even see two little bulges in her bottom gums, but thought it would take a while for them to pop through.

This morning there were two new little choppers in her mouth that weren't there yesterday! Unfortunately my sweet, smiley, non-crying girl has turned into a screaming demon. I'm so glad I bought some Hyland's Teething Tablets last week at Babies R Us!

I know they're hard to see - because it's tough to aim a cell phone camera at a screaming, writhing baby - but they're there!

Happy Halloween!

2009-10-31T15:37:00.001-04:00

Boo!

Smiley Girl is Ready for Baseball!

2009-10-25T21:57:00.007-04:00

I love when I hear her fussing in her crib and I go in to check on her and she just looks up and smiles at me as if to say "Hey Mamma! I was just missing you, so I wanted you to come in and look at me!"

This is just a bonus picture because her daddy is a Mets fan, and I have better taste than that!

Bring Rayna Home!

2009-10-20T10:26:00.003-04:00

Rayna has been found! Thank you to anyone that passed this information on.

Seeing Ghosts

2009-10-18T22:46:00.002-04:00

My dad passed away last week after a very long battle with Alzheimer's Disease. It was very much for the best, as he'd been suffering for at least 10 years. A friend said to me that he was able to go because my sister and I had both been recently blessed with the babies we'd tried so hard and so long to have. I actually had a feeling when I had B that it would finally be his time to leave us. Little did I know how true that would be just 10 weeks later. It makes me very sad that my father had three grandchildren that he not even never met, but never even knew he had.

The last three nights while I was feeding B in the middle of the night, she suddenly went from very sleepy to wide awake, turning her head up and to the left, eyes looking towards the ceiling, and began to giggle. The giggling went on for minutes at a time. I hadn't said it out loud to anyone, but I've been thinking that it's my dad looking down at her and making her laugh. I mentioned it to the husband last night and he said "she's talking to ghosts." Then I mentioned it to my mom today and she said that she was looking at ghosts. I'm sure they're both thinking the same as me.

Just call me "Baldy"

2009-10-06T10:49:00.002-04:00

The post-partum hair loss has begun! Between hair loss from my anemia and this, I'm going to be balder than the hubby before the end of the year.

6 weeks old!

2009-09-19T18:43:00.002-04:00

And I am so freaking tired! I guess I cant complain much though. She does let me sleep about 6 hours at night, although they're not uninterrupted. Oh well. She's cute, so I guess I'll keep her.

Some days she's good and calm and quiet for 2-3 hours at a time, and only needs to eat every 4 hours (my wish for daytime), and others she wants to just graze all day long and never stops crying. Just when she seems to have a predictable pattern, she changes it.

Her looks change every day, too. It's hard to say who she looks like because both the husband and I have red hair and green eyes. I think she has my nose and lips. Hard to say, though.

"She has red hair!"

2009-08-11T19:51:00.004-04:00

In a nutshell... I went in for an induction on Tuesday (8/4/09) afternoon, but I was already in mild labor so I couldn't actually use the cervidil I was supposed to. 46 hours, cervidil, cytotec, an epidural, morphine, and an emergency c-section later, Bridget Catherine joined us at 2:09pm on Thursday, August 8th, weighing in at 6 lbs., 9 ounces, and 19 inches. As they took her out, one of the nurses said, "She has red hair!" and she certainly does.

We are completely in love, and she was completely worth the wait. For those of you that stop by here and have been on a similar journey - it's so, so very worth every drug, needle stick, doctor's visit, unanswered question, and moment of misery along the way. If you're expecting - enjoy it. Despite the scares and issues, I loved being pregnant. And now, despite the hell I went through to get her here, and the pain I'm still in (OMG the swelling I still have from all those hours on IV fluid!), I love this little bundle of joy more than I ever could have imagined.

No, really the end IS near!

2009-07-30T11:33:00.003-04:00

OMG! As of last night I'm fingertip dilated with a soft cervix, and I'm waiting for a call back from the doctor to confirm that I'll be induced on Tuesday night and deliver Wednesday morning! But, I could go into labor on my own at any time! I'm terrified of being induced, but it is what it is, and well, she'll be here!

Less than a week!

The end is near!

2009-07-02T09:40:00.002-04:00

On Monday I had my now weekly OB appointment, and was informed that the kiddo will be making her appearance no later than my due date of August 9th because of the gestational diabetes. I'm terrified. Who thought this was a good idea?

As much as I'm terrified at the prospect of the end being firmly in sight, I'm also ready to be done with being pregnant. The pressure and ache in my pelvis is sometimes unbearable, especially first thing in the morning. It literally pains me to go from laying to standing, and takes me a minute or two to actually take a step once I get myself upright. As the day wears on it seems I feel less pressure, which makes no sense to me, but I guess it is what it is.

Insulin

2009-06-13T08:26:00.002-04:00

Diet wasn't working to keep my fasting number down (my glucose reading first thing in the morning before eating), so I've had to move on to insulin injections at night. I started at 5 units, then went up to 10, then 12, which seemed to work for a bit, but now I'm up to 14 for the last two days, and I've had one good and one bad day. The worst part of it all is that I can't have any carbs at breakfast. Do you know how hard it is to avoid carbs at breakfast? I'm getting really tired of eggs. I also drink Atkins diet shakes in the morning, but they're really not all that good.

8 more weeks... 8 more weeks

Much better

2009-05-22T22:53:00.002-04:00

I saw a nutritionist this morning and the endo after that. I feel much much better. The nutritionist said that I was eating way too few calories, and that was evidenced by a 3 pound loss since Monday. That puts me at -15 for the pregnancy. She said I have to eat. Who ever would have guessed you'd have to encourage the fat girl to eat? She specifically said I need to snack more, but I've been at a loss for what to snack on. She said just about any 100 Calorie Pack would be perfect. I nearly hugged her. Chocolate! Crunchy but not veggies! Did I mention chocolate? I had chocolate covered pretzels tonight. Oh there is a God. I love that woman.

The endo was concerned that my glucose tends to spike with breakfast. I have to keep trying to control it with diet, but she did say that having a snack before bed (omg yay more encouraging of the chocolate snacks!) could help that a bit. If there's no improvement by next Friday I'll start a tiny dose of insulin at night. She also put me at ease that an occasional spike as mild as I've been having (130's to 150's) are nothing to be alarmed about as long as they remain occasional.

I feel so much better about this. Not that I have a choice, but I do feel more able to deal with this than I did before.

Moody bitch

2009-05-20T15:08:00.003-04:00

I think this is the moodiest I've been all pregnancy. I can't even count how many times I've cried today. I cried because the bread I bought had too many carbs per slice, because peanut butter has carbs, because I can't have ice cream or chocolate, because the doctor wasn't in when I called because my glucose was too high, because my glucose was too high despite eating under my carb limit.

Eleven more weeks. Someone better bring me ice cream, a coke, and a loaf of bread when I'm in the hospital.

Gestational Diabetes

2009-05-18T08:12:00.002-04:00

After failing the one hour glucose tolerance test, last Monday I took the three hour tolerance test, and failed that as well. Gestational diabetes. Friday I saw an endocrinologist and learned to test my blood before and after every meal, and learned what I can and can't eat. Bascially I can't eat anything that I was eating before. I've been living on carbs for the last 6 months, and now that's a no no. I also haven't been terribly hungry for the last 6 months, and now all of a sudden I'm starving all the time, which makes it even worse that I can't just pop whatever I want into my mouth.

So far I've lost 12 pounds this pregnancy, and that's from eating nothing but garbage. Doing no carbs is worse than doing weight watchers! I'm sure I'm going to lose more weight. I've been eating low carb for 2 days now, and I go to the OB this morning, so I'm curious to see if I lost more since Friday.

26, almost 27 weeks

2009-05-08T19:46:00.002-04:00

I'm 26w5d today. All is still well for the most part. I had my one hour glucose test on Monday, and failed. So, it's off to the lab this coming Monday where I get to spend 3 to 4 glorious hours for the 3 hour glucose test. Isn't that fun?

Babygirl moves a ton now. Sometimes it's completely freaky, especially when I can see my stomach moving. JB has only felt her once. She'll be dancing around like mad, and I'll call him over to feel it, and she stops completely. She's totally f'ing with him!

22 weeks

2009-04-06T22:20:00.002-04:00

And all is well.

My fluid has increased, we were able to see her heart and face clearly on Friday, and both are fine. She's moving a lot now, and while it was very freaky at first, it's reassuring now. I'm still down 9 pounds, but my pants continue to be bigger and bigger on me. I'm holding off buying anything else for a few more weeks.

Kid, you don't make things easy, do you?

2009-03-20T12:36:00.002-04:00

Wednesday was the anatomy scan to make sure the girly has all the parts she's supposed to. Dr. Bitch, who did my ultrascreen sono and beat the shit out of me, did the anatomy scan too. She's got the personality of a cold dead fish. Baby wasn't moving much, so Bitchface kept jabbing me with the wand to get her to move. Babygirl is just like mamma and was none too pleased by that and ignored Dr. Bitch. Good girl! Then Bitchypoo decided that my amniotic fluid was low, therefor I must be leaking from my amnio and now I need to be on bed rest. She went to call my OB to consult with him, but he happened to be in the office.

Off JB and I went to his office where he confirmed that my fluid has always been low, and he didn't think I was leaking if I hadn't noticed anything. He said I did not need to be on bed rest, but should take it easy. Take that, bitch. He did recommend I get a second opinion at the hospital by the doc that did my amnio, and that doc would be able to do a better anatomy scan.

So, off to the hospital I was this morning. This doctor confirmed my fluid is and has always been on the low side, and he was able to see almost all of baby, and confirm things are in working order. He's bringing me back again in 2 weeks to recheck my fluid and get a better look at her face to make sure she doesn't have a cleft lip, and he wants a better picture of her heart. Her heart looks fine, he just wants a better picture.

It's a....

2009-03-16T21:35:00.001-04:00

GIRL!

We're so excited to know it's not an "It" in there anymore, but our little girl.

Hang in there sweet one, you're halfway through!

NORMAL!!!

2009-03-11T21:27:00.002-04:00

My OB just called - the hospital called him with preliminary results, and genetics are blessedly normal! Thank you thank you thank you!

Third Time's a Charm

2009-03-11T14:46:00.003-04:00

Mission complete. The same nurse, Rose, I'd had the last two times came in and said she didn't even bother filling out the paperwork because she didn't want to jinx it. As soon as she did the ultrasound, all three of us could see a clear view of the baby. Woohoo! She went to get the "team" together and things were quickly underway.

I felt the needle go into my stomach, and it was pinchy he entire time. The rest just felt like a lot of pressure. I couldn't look at the overhead monitor at all. I didn't really want to know what was going on in there. They took several vials of fluid, and ended up with 2 keepers. One for FISH results, and one for the complete analysis. Rose did say during the ultrasound that everything looked good and there were no deformities that they usually see with Trisomy 18.

After I was all cleaned up and dressed, JB and I delivered the vials to the geneticist who explained what they were looking for and asked if we had any questions. After that we were good to go. Now I just have to stay off my feet for a few days, and call for the results on Friday.

18w1d

2009-03-09T21:53:00.002-04:00

OB checkup today. No u/s. I was surprised, but I guess I've had enough in the last 2 weeks, and will have another with amnio attempt number 3 this week. He found the baby's heartbeat right away, and it was a nice strong 160 bpm. I also had a spina bifida screening this week. I almost hesitated to sign the consent for it. I just don't want anymore false positives. I can't take it anymore. I'll be so relieved once we have the amnio results, and just about completely relieved after the anatomy scan next week.

We joked about names yesterday on our way home from visiting friends. Rather, I called out ridiculous names that JB just laughed at. Our child will not be named any of the following:
Lexus
Infiniti
Ikea
Sequoia
Brooke Lynne
Toyota
Saturn
Mazda
Brooklyn Queens Expressway
Verrazano
Escalade (pronounced Eska-ladee)
Earl

I know you're relieved.

2 + 3 = 0

2009-03-05T08:08:00.002-05:00

Second amnio, three doctors, nothing.

The second attempt at an amnio yesterday was yet another no-go. The placenta is still anterior, and every time a small pocket that might have worked opened up, there either wasn't enough fluid, or the baby's head was too close to risk it. Three doctors were in the room with me for the 45 minutes or so that they tried to get this done. They tried everything - me laying on my side, having my bladder full, shaking my stomach, having me cough to make the baby move. Nothing worked well enough.

We did get to see a lot of the baby this time, though. The spine was very clear, bones in the hand and arm. We saw it kick. We even saw details of the heart, although not enough to be assured it's a properly formed 4-chambered heart. That's not what we were there for, so it's not even a concern to me.

The fact that we were able to see so much of the baby this time gives me hope that next week everything will work out just fine and it'll be done at last.

Another week of waiting

2009-02-25T15:54:00.002-05:00

The amnio didn't happen today. I have an anterior placenta, and it's covering the entire front of my uterus. On top of that, my placenta is very vascular, so I'll bleed a lot if they pierce it, so they only want to do it as a last resort. If they would have attempted it today, the only place they could have gone in was through my belly button, and I was having none of that. Luckily, neither was my doctor. I'll be going back next Wednesday. Great, another week of waiting and wondering.

All Day Sickness

2009-02-24T11:31:00.003-05:00

I had about 2 weeks of no nausea or vomiting, and all of a sudden since Friday, it's back with a vengeance. I've been thinking a lot about tomorrow's amnio, so it could be nerves. Right? The needle is actually scaring me more than what the results could be. I'm going to end up working myself into a panic attack, I just know it.

What if...

2009-02-02T17:50:00.004-05:00

What if the results of the ultrascreen are right? The test came back fine for Down's, but with a 1 in 11 chance for Trisomy 18 or 13. I'm freaking out. Freaking. (Do not google. It's not good. You don't really want to know.)

I've gotten a lot of good advice and kind words from friends that have been in the same position and had happy endings, so that's making it a bit easier to wait the three weeks until I can have an amnio. The irony is that I told JB i wouldn't have an amnio unless there was a dire need. It wasn't something I was willing to subject myself to for no reason other than that I'm "old." The doctor presented it to me as an option today, but really, is there any option?

Does anyone have a time machine to get me through until February 25th?

12 weeks

2009-01-27T14:56:00.003-05:00

I'm nervous as hell. Tomorrow is the ultrascreen test. I'm so scared there isn't going to be anything in there at all. If there's something wrong with the baby, we can get through it, but what if there's no one in there? Nausea has mostly subsided (although I probably just cursed myself), but I'm still exhausted all the time. I'm also not showing at all. Nothing. My pants still fit. My shirts are fine. I feel odd if I lay on my stomach, but there's nothing there.

JB put these ideas in my head. The other night we were talking and he said he wishes we hadn't told anyone yet because "what if?" Ugh! Don't "what if" me, man!

What if?

7w5d

2008-12-26T20:58:00.004-05:00

We had an ultrasound on the 17th, and we go to see the heartbeat, and confirm there's just one peanut in there. My only consistent symptom remains being tired all the time. I occasionally get nauseous, mostly at night, but I've only actually tossed my cookies twice.

Sometimes I still don't believe it's real. Maybe when my clothes start getting too tight it'll be more of a reality. I bought my first maternity clothes today because they were on a huge markdown. I've got my eye out for something cute, because my 20 year high school reunion is in March. As if I'll find anything. I'm already far from thin, so I'll just look even worse in 3 months. Bleh.

It was an email that prompted me to go looking for a sale on maternity clothes. I got an email from a website that's going out of business. Their jeans were marked down by 70%. Unfortunately these were the jeans:

Who wears these? How do they stay up? I can't even imagine they'd be comfortable. They must always feel like they're about to fall down.

So far...

2008-12-07T18:44:00.003-05:00

I called my RE Friday morning, because I wasn't sure whether to call her, or my OBGYN. As usual the RE's office was rude, and basically told me since I hadn't been monitored this cycle I was on my own, and call them if I needed them again. Wow. Not that I expected anything more from them, but it really never ceased to amaze me how lacking in compassion these people were. If this sodabread I've got baking away sticks, I'll be sending an email or letter letting the RE's office know exactly how enormously shitty they are.

I spent the rest of the day trying to get through to the OBGYN, but always got the machine. Finally I decided it was an emergency and I held on for the service to answer, just so I could find out their hours. They're closed on Fridays! So now I'm anxiously awaiting morning so I can call. I hope they can get me in tomorrow.

I've been slightly nauseous all weekend, but only threw up on Friday night, and I think that was just from the food I ate while I was out with a friend. Other than that, all I want to do is sleep.

Sooooo I peed on a stick

2008-12-04T22:18:00.002-05:00

...and there were 2 beautiful pink lines. We're in shock, and a bit of disbelief.

46ish cycles, 1 HSG, 3 IUIs, 4 SAs, Clomid, stress, arguments, tears, anger, frustration, and the one month we take a break, the one month we only did the deed once, the month we didn't try.

Thank you all of you who have kept me in your prayers and thoughts, those of you who have rooted for us in the short time I've been blogging. Thank you, truly. I hope you all get your moment like this, and I hope to read every single happy word of it.

To POAS or not?

2008-12-03T22:41:00.002-05:00

I didn't really chart this month, but all signs pointed to O 2 weeks ago today. No sign of the red menace, no typical symptoms other than my usual bitchiness. My LP is usually 17 days, so I'm hesitant to even consider POAS yet, especially since I have low progesterone and didn't take any this cycle. I have to go to Target tomorrow because it seems it's the Christmas season, so I should get on the ball about cards, so I guess I'll pick up a box of pee sticks while I'm there.

As much as I'm trying not to even consider that I'll get a BFP, in the back of my head I keep thinking that it will have worked this month because we didn't try.

That reminds me...

2008-11-30T00:40:00.002-05:00

Another blogger's recent post reminded me of something I said to someone recently (damned if I remember who though)... Some days I'd just like to be finally pregnant so that sex can be a recreational activity again, and not a fucking science experiment.

And yet another blog reminded me that I signed up for NaBloPoMo a week or so ago, and then immediately forgot about it. Maybe in December.

Let's Go Already!

2008-11-29T10:55:00.002-05:00

On the way home from the SIL's this morning I told JB that I've never been so anxious for my period to come. I'm ready to move on to the next cycle. Every time I move the boxes of Follistim that are in the fridge I just think "Soon my little tubes of hormonal fun... soon I will inject you." I'm ready. I'm ready for my last IUI, and I'm ready to do IVF if that doesn't work. Let's go already!

A year

2008-11-19T21:02:00.003-05:00

Friday, November 21 will be one year since I've been jobless. I'd only been with the company for 9 months, and I was the happiest I ever was at a job. I was promoted 6 weeks after I started, and received a 20% raise. Clearly I wasn't doing a bad job. Last year on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, my entire department was eliminated. Happy Holidays! Surprisingly, I wasn't angry, but I think I was just in shock. I calmly called JB and told him, then took one of the other girls in that was let go out to breakfast. It was the second time in 13 months that I found myself unemployed. (In my previous job, I knew my first week there that it was not the job or company for me, and I stuck it out for almost 2 years in a battle of who would give in first. Other than that I tend to stay at jobs for a long time, usually 5-7 years.) This time was different. I knew there was a reason.

Just a week earlier I had made an appointment with my OB/GYN to discuss TTC and the lack of C. We were ready to get really serious about it, something we hadn't been in all the time we were trying. My appointment with him was on January 2. He immediately sent me for an HSG and told me to come back in three months or when I got pregnant, whichever came first.

Three months later I was back. I walked out with a prescription for Clomid and the name of my RE. I'm usually a big wuss about calling doctors, but as soon as my next cycle started and I took the Clomid, I was on the phone with the RE.

Since that call, my life has revolved around RE appointments. I can't imagine doing this if I'd looked for and gotten a job right away a year ago. How would I have explained to a new employer that I needed to be late 2 or 3 days a week, with little to no notice? If it was a job I'd been at for a while, sure, but no way as a newbie. It's been a rough year with only one income. We've cut out a lot of luxuries like going out to eat every weekend, big impulse buys, and things like that. But in other ways it's been good for us. We're (ok, Me) much better with spending money wisely, we have more in savings that we have in a long time, we've paid off a big chunk of debt, and most of all, our relationship with each other is better than it ever was.

I'm not the best housekeeper by any means, but I do love cooking for us every night. We used to have takeout several nights a week because I got home from work so late. I've been able to work on my photography, although my ambition in that department has been lacking lately (know someone local to me that wants to model for me in exchange for prints? Email me!) I actually like doing the laundry too, despite having to bring it to the laundromat. I like having it smell the way I want it to instead of like the laundrymat's fabric softener like it did when we could afford drop off service.

So, thanks Adam and Greg for eliminating my department and job, giving me the opportunity to better my life and try to have a baby.

Just in case...

2008-11-12T21:02:00.001-05:00

anyone from my family happens to wander over here from any of my other blogs, I just want to say...

Katie and Jen, I'm really happy for both of you. I truly am. It's just hard.

Welcome home! Everyone's pregnant but you.

2008-11-09T19:30:00.002-05:00

Fantastic. My cousin, and another cousin's wife are both pregnant, my mother called to tell me tonight. She even had the nerve to tell me that one of them had been trying "so long." Really, Mom? Really? Because we've been trying since before she got married 4 years ago. Then she had even more nerve to tell me to "relax and it will happen." It's really fucking hard to relax when you have to get poked and prodded every few days to figure out why the fuck you're not getting pregnant, and keep wondering if the latest drug concoction and procedure is the right one this time. I'm already dreading these baby showers. On the other hand, I was a little sad to not be spending the holidays with that side of the family this year, but suddenly I'm much happier about that.

Gone Fishin'

2008-10-31T18:17:00.007-04:00

Yes, literally. Florida State Fishing License in hand, we leave at 3:45am tomorrow for the Keys, which is fisherman's paradise. I'm really looking forward to this mental break. Last time we went I was the better fisher-person of the two of us, although JB hauled in (and released) a nice Goliath grouper. If you ask him, he'll even grudgingly admit I'm better than him. That's only because I've been fishing since I was 3 years old. He waited for 33 to start. I assure you, our kid(s) will start as early as I did.

Gook luck to everyone while I'm away, and see you next week!

On the brighter side of things...

2008-10-30T13:44:00.004-04:00

...I'll be able to enjoy massive quantities of rum on vacation next week.

In other words, negative.
I won't be pregnant before our 7th anniversary.
I won't be pregnant before I'm 37.

This next cycle will even be completely up in the air. If this next cycle follows my previous history, AF will show up on day 2 or 3 of vacation. (Oh joy! On our anniversary! What a treat!) The RE usually sees me on day 3, 4, or 5 to prescribe that cycle. I won't be able to get in to see her before CD6 or 7. We discussed injectables last cycle and ordered them. Thousands of dollars of Follistim are sitting in my fridge. I was really hoping to be able to donate it to someone who isn't as fortunate as me with drug coverage, but now they'll be mine. The question is whether I'll be using them this cycle or next. If we're not back for me to see the doctor in time this cycle (she won't start a new course of action without a sonogram and blood test to reconfirm no pregnancy - ya know, because AF isn't enough) we'll just go natural and skip IUI this month. At least that's what I'm thinking now. I could take the Follistim pen with me and try to convince the doctor to just let me start, but I don't really want to deal with the hassle of flying with needles and liquids.

Now, pass me a bottle of Cruzan.

Just a few more hours of waiting

2008-10-30T09:18:00.003-04:00

I'll have a call before 3pm!

Why do RE's offices allow patients to bring children with them? I've heard of some that don't, but mine clearly doesn't have that rule. It seems like there's always a child there. I don't always mind so much if it's an older child, but so often women come in with infants. Yes, I know people want to have children close together sometimes, but it just doesn't seem nice to other patients to parade your baby around in there. Heck even message boards have baby-free zones, including a small one that I moderate. You just don't do it, you know?

Today was just bizarre though. There were three of us in the waiting room, and a woman came in with a 9 month old. How do I know it was a 9 month old? Well, she sat down next to one of the other women and started saying "Isn't she cute? Look at her trying to stand! She's only 9 months old and she thinks she can walk! Silly girl! I love my baby!" and then the final straw, she turned to the woman next to her and said, "Do you have babies waiting for you at home?" WTF? Have you no sense of decorum, woman? I'm glad your treatment obviously worked, but that was not the place to show off your baby.

By popular demand!

2008-10-29T13:27:00.003-04:00

I have nothing new to report. ;-) Tomorrow's the big blood test day. I'm protesting POAS. Why spend $10 on them, when I just have to spend another $30 at the doctor anyway? (Of course if I get a BFP from the doctor, I'll run right out and get a pee stick for the sake of photography!)

Stay tuned...

Bleeeeh

2008-10-24T16:41:00.001-04:00

Day two of no appetite and constant nausea. Interesting.

(Although Progesterone did that to me last month, too. Another cruel joke.)

God's Little Joke

2008-10-22T20:46:00.005-04:00

That's what this is, you know. We were the first of all of the kids on JB's father's side to get married because we didn't have a bun in the oven. Three out of seven cousins had children before us, and all were pregnant out of wedlock in this oh so Catholic family. So, we often say that it's God's little joke for actually wanting to get married and have kids, instead of just finding ourselves pregnant and having the obligatory exchange of vows. Since we embarked on this barren journey, two more of his cousins have given birth to little oopsies.

Very funny, God. Time to end the joke.

Friendship Award

2008-10-20T19:57:00.002-04:00

I've been tagged by OhEmily, a fellow infertility blogger that I just started following recently. She's from Finland. (Did I get that right, Emily? Why do I want to say you're from Denmark? ) Thank you for tagging me, Emily, and I look forward to getting to know more about you, including knowing for sure where you're from, and finding a happy end to your if journey.

1. Do you have the same friends since childhood?
I recently reconnected with a lot of childhood friends via Facebook, and I have to say, it's been a blast. I have one friend, Alex, that I grew up with but don't see often, but when we do see each other, it's like we've never been apart.

2. What do you value most about your friends?
Support, non-judgement, honesty.

3. Are your friends sounding boards?
Absolutely!

4. What is your favorite activity to share with friends?
Drinking, eating, spending time with each other laughing. Time spent laughing with good friends can make all your troubles go away, if only for a little while.

I'm tagging ThinkingMiracles, another fellow IF blogger.

IUI #3 complete

2008-10-16T19:14:00.004-04:00

JB couldn't come with me to the RE today, so I transported his deposit in my pocket. I find it odd that I have to produce a copy of his drivers license at the andrology/morphology lab when I present them with his goods. As if that proves it came from him. "Ah yes, his swimmers look just like him!" I killed the hour waiting by getting a cup of coffee and getting ~~cheap~~ less expensive gas at a station that was surprisingly full service. When I first started driving I swore I'd never pump my own gas. Silly 17 year old! Now it seems completely alien to me to not to pump my own.

Back at the RE I didn't have to wait long when I got back. I was shown to the room and the nurse came in immediately to confirm that the goods were JB's goods. Again with the license. Good numbers today. We got that squared away, she set up, I emptied my bladder, got undressed, climbed up on the table, put the paper drape over me, and waited. And waited. And waited. Finally Dr. Brad walked in, followed by the FNP that I don't like. (Dr. Brad was also the doc on my first IUI back in July. While we were waiting in he waiting area, I overheard him being introduced to the front desk staff because it was his first day. I believe I was his first patient/procedure in the practice.) He was quite chatty today, which is always odd when you're sitting there with no pants on. He said he hoped it was a pointless conversation, but we're going with injectables next cycle, but he really hoped it was a moot conversation. Yay for being positive, Dr. B! He continued to be chatty throughout the procedure, which again, is odd, but better then a sullen doctor, right? Just a mild burning sensation and it was all over.

Back again in 2 weeks for a pregnancy test. Let's keep everything crossed!

Well finally!

2008-10-15T15:17:00.002-04:00

I was getting angrier by the minute waiting for the RE's office to call (or not) today, and decided to go out to Target. Of course they called as soon as I left to tell me my levels are good, and come in for an IUI tomorrow.

Here we go!

Can you believe I'm STILL waiting?

2008-10-14T19:45:00.002-04:00

CD20, and still no IUI.

The FNP reprimanded me this morning for having the Follistim delivered there. I never did like her, and I've had words with her before, so this was just lovely. I'm a freaking slave to going there everyday, and no one could tell me for sure whether this package was coming on Friday or Saturday, and it required a signature. I sure as hell wasn't sitting around all day waiting for it when they're there 7 days a week.

I also asked her when exactly I needed to take this, since it was so urgent in the first place, and she said, "Well, maybe next cycle." I wanted to knock her goddamn head off. I cannot believe that they made me almost hysterical trying to get the meds, then she answered me so non-chalantly?

Of course I'm back AGAIN tomorrow for blood again. I feel like I'm ovulating right now. This minute. But no phone call from them to say that I was showing a surge in my blood today, but who knows.

...and another thing

2008-10-13T14:00:00.002-04:00

Now I'm probably not taking the Follistim this cycle. After all that drama, now it's too late, or something. The hell? I have THOUSANDS of dollars worth of it in my fridge right now. Thank God I didn't pay for it. I just don't get it. She talked to me about it on Monday, why the hell didn't she either act on it sooner, or not have me get it this time? Their office is the one that insists that I can only buy these drugs three times in my lifetime, and now they've gone and wasted a chance? I'm so annoyed by them.

Be aware of your insurance rights!

2008-10-13T13:50:00.004-04:00

If you are struggling with infertility and don't know what your insurance will cover, please check the ASRM (American Society of Reproductive Medicine) website to see what coverage is available to you by state law. I found out through this that my 4 rounds of Clomid so far should have been covered by insurance, so now I have to a) find the receipts for it (which I know I threw at least 1 out), and b) fill out forms to fight for it. At least I'll know if I need it again that I need to fill out the form right away. How sneaky of them though! If I never found that link, I never would have known.

Come on, already!

2008-10-12T15:28:00.004-04:00

I have the slowest freaking ovaries on the planet, I swear.

On Thursday I was back at the good ol' RE for blood, sono, and injection lessons. I'm sure I'll be fine after the first one, but I am dreading it. Thursday's exam showed 2 growing follies, and "many small ones." After all that I met with the... I don't know what she was - she's the clinic's expert on getting patients the most drugs for the least money, and within what your insurance plan allows. I had already called the insurance company about the injectables, and they never mentioned a limit on how many times I can be prescribed them, but the clinic expert insists that I can only get them three times in a lifetime. Since it's my nature, I argued with her, but really, whatever at this point. Dr. S said she would over-prescribe so that if I need them again next cycle I don't use up another chance, and I'll just have it on hand.

The expert called me back Thursday afternoon to tell me it was all taken care of, and I'd be getting a call from the pharmacy to set up delivery. The pharmacy called Thursday night to confirm some details, and said that I'd be receiving the package Saturday and it required a signature. Crap! FedEx service is so unreliable here - sometimes they don't even ring the bell and just leave the stupid note that they were there, so I wasn't trusting that. We've also had packages signed for by the super, and he doesn't tell us for 2-3 days. Luckily since the RE office is open on weekends, I just had it sent there.

Friday night the pharmacy calls again to tell me there's a problem with the prescription. Dr. S had said she was going to prescribe Follistim, but the expert said that insurance companies prefer Gonal-F, so Dr. S said ok, she'd prescribe that instead. I don't know what the difference is - they're both brand names of the same drug, urofollitropin. (Ugh, I just saw the side effects - great.) So anyway, the nice woman on the phone said the script came through for Follistim, and she was all worried about it costing more and she couldn't get the doctor's office to call back, and she didn't want me to spend so much. I asked her what my cost would be and she said she didn't know yet, but wanted to give me a heads up and see if I could reach the doctor. Since it was almost 8pm and she was frantic, I asked her to just get me the cost for the Follistim before there was any panic. She called me back a few minutes later and apologized that my copay was going to be $25. Please, no apology necessary. I think I can swing that. She was so relieved it wasn't an issue for me. Despite the crappy economy, $25 for thousands of dollars worth of drugs is just fine with me.

This morning we rushed from NJ to get to my RE appointment at 8:15. I think I like going on Sundays - I was in and out in 10 minutes. Today I'm at CD18, and I have an 18mm and 11mm follicle, and still have "many" small ones. The nurse said she'd call if my blood indicated I should start my injections tonight, but no call as of almost 4pm, so I'm assuming no. I'm back again tomorrow for just blood to see if I need to start them tomorrow. I want to just do it already because I'm so anxious about it!

You know, when JB and I talked about kids before we were married we would go back and forth about having 2 or 3 kids (I wanted 3, he wanted 2), and now we'd give anything for just one. I certainly don't think I could put myself through all this again when and if we even get to have one child.

Pregnant people everywhere

2008-10-08T11:36:00.002-04:00

Except here.

These people are currently pissing me off. Could Mama "Clown Car Vagina" Duggar say, "children are God's gift" just one more time, please? Where's my gift? Am I not good enough?

Sometimes customer service people do go above and beyond

2008-10-07T20:32:00.002-04:00

After looking at the possible costs for injectables, calling my mom and crying to her about it, crying to my sister in law Liz, crying to my internet friends - all literally, as yesterday was the day of tears from morning till night, I started calling our various insurance providers to see what the deal was.

I never questioned Clomid not being covered, because I knew from others that had been on it that it's rare that it's covered. I figured who could it hurt to call and ask about Follistim. First I called our health insurance, because we have some kind of additional rider on our policy that is supposed to cover some drugs that aren't covered under our prescription insurance. No dice there. They were so rude, but that's par for the course.

Next I called our prescription drug insurance company. The first girl I spoke to was very helpful, and said she couldn't help me, but transfered me to the specialty pharmacy division. I spoke for a bit with the girl there, giving her all of my information and the doctor's information, and she said they'd get back to me.

It sort of slipped my mind today that I needed to follow-up with them if I didn't get a call, but they called me back as we were eating dinner. (Gotta love caller ID on the TV screen - I nearly flew off the sofa when I saw who was calling.) The bad news she had for me was that I was not covered by them for this drug. The good news was that she knew by JB's employer that we did have coverage for this on yet a different insurance plan. She was even nice enough to give me the phone number and the web site for this coverage.

I remember we used to have member cards for this insurance, but then we got other drug plan insurance cards, and I think we assumed that they replaced this other thing, so we threw them out. Typical me.

I went to the website and clicked on the member button. It asked for member ID number to set up an account, so I tried the obvious, and it worked! I was in! I plugged in the information to price out the Follistim, but it came back that I would have to call for a price. Off to the phone! I navigated several menus, plugged in the same info over and over again, and finally just pressed 0 in hopes that there was a human somewhere on the other end. After holding a bit an angel came on the line. I gave her the basic information that she asked for and she said YES! OMG OMG OMG!

We have a $100 deductible, and once that is met, the Follistim will be $25! OMG! I'd even be happy to pay $100 for it!

JB's told me before that his coworkers bitch about copays - doctor visits are $15, and covered drugs (which are 99% of what most people ever need) are $5. Cost to employees? ZERO. How many people in the US get FREE health insurance? We pay ZERO for IUI's. My fertility treatments so far have been about $15,000 and it's cost us maybe $400 out of pocket, not including Clomid and HCG. (Speaking of which, if I need that again next month, I'll have to see if that's covered too. Fortunately the cost of that is a lot easier to swallow that the Follistim if it isn't.) If JB ever tells me again that one of his coworkers bitched about copays, I will personally go punch them in the face.

Injectables

2008-10-06T11:49:00.003-04:00

SIgh. I don't mind getting shots, I'm used to being stuck with needles for bloodwork all the time now, but I cringe at the thought of having to give myself an injection. But now it's come to that. On Thursday I'm going in for the usual b/w and sono, and then to learn how to give myself injections of Follistim.

Sadly, I'm not only terrified of giving myself shots, I'm terrified of what this is going to cost. I know we're very lucky to have the insurance we do, but doesn't make spending hundreds of dollars a month on non-insured drugs any easier to swallow.

Anemia

2008-10-01T10:08:00.003-04:00

At an RE appointment a few weeks ago, the doctor said my iron count was a bit low, and to try to get it up with diet. For weeks I've tried to get it up by eating foods that are rich in iron - shellfish, leafy greens, beef, etc. This week the doctor reported that my numbers are even lower, so she prescribed me Repliva 21/7. So far the only effects I feel are constipated and stinky. Ew.

Drugs and Insurance

2008-09-27T08:39:00.003-04:00

It's on to the next cycle. Dr. S decided to skip right over 200mg of Clomid to 250mg a day for five days. She also warned that even if I hadn't experienced much in the way of side effects before, I more than likely will now. I guess I've been fairly lucky. I have gotten hot flashes and some mood swings, but it looks like I might be in for a real roller coaster this month. In addition to the Clomid, I will again get a shot of HCG to ensure ovulation.

The thrilling part of all that? Neither Clomid nor HCG is covered by insurance. Nor is either one cheap. Today's grand total for both of these? $143. That is unreal. While I know great strides have been taken in recent years for insurance to cover fertility-related doctors visits, for the most part drugs are not covered.

We really are very lucky with our health insurance. We don't pay for it, our co-pays are only $15, and when it comes to fertility coverage, we don't pay anything for IUI's and we are entitled to an unlimited number of them until I turn 44 years old. I recently added up what our insurance company was billed from my RE in July and August, and it was just under $10,000. Our out of pocket expenses for the same period were probably $200, excluding drugs.

Given the medical treatment I'm allowed to have I really shouldn't complain about drugs not being covered, but at the same time for all that has been paid out for me over the last few months, are drugs just a cost that would put it all over the top?

I can't take this anymore

2008-09-22T12:59:00.000-04:00

I'm not pregnant again. I can't take what these drugs to do me. For the last 2 weeks I've been exhausted, and I had morning sickness for the last week. I really should get a job because I'm bored out of my fucking mind, but how do I tell a new employer that I need to be late 3 days a week for 3 weeks a month? Yeah, doesn't work.

Nothing new

2008-09-17T13:49:00.001-04:00

I've been feeling exhausted the last few days... Like falling asleep an hour after getting up in the morning and having a solid 7-8 hours of sleep. I'm also nauseous all the time, and have little to no appetite. Threw up in the bathroom sink this morning.

Hmmm.....

Must resist the urge to pee on a sick!

Progesterone time again!

2008-09-11T00:38:00.001-04:00

I started my 400mg of progesterone last night. It doesn't seem to be as messy this time, but I'm sure it's just because I didn't sleep well last night, so everything is just a blur.

IUI #2

2008-09-07T21:28:00.002-04:00

We arrived at the lab this morning to "produce" before they even opened. The building where the office is is creepy on Sunday. Most of the lights in the halls are off, and there's no one in the parking garage.

We waited a bit, then he went in to do his thing. They told us to come back in an hour. I really hoped that didn't mean 3 hours like the last time. We went to get breakfast, then were back in the office at 9:15. Just a little after 9:30 they were ready for us.

We went in and confirmed it was JB's sample, and the nurse said the count was excellent this time. More than twice last time. Awesome!

A few minutes later my doctor came in and we were ready to go. Before it started I was mentally telling myself to relax, just let it happen. I knew that if I relaxed it would be a lot easier. The last time I was so nervous and tense I kept cramping. It hurt a lot, and seemed to take forever. The doc was done before I even knew it started. She said, "Ok good luck!" and I was all "that's it?!" I could barely walk last time I was shaking so much. I drove us home this time.

Two more days until I begin the progesterone again. Yuck!

HCG

2008-09-07T00:36:00.002-04:00

I had one nice big follicle today, so I got my HCG shot. I also have one smaller follicle, something like 16mm maybe? The big one was 20.5. The injection site just started to burn and ache... more than 12 hours later.

IUI tomorrow morning!

Two eggs on tap

2008-09-03T12:19:00.002-04:00

As of this morning I have a 16mm follicle, and a 10mm follicle. Back on Saturday for another sonogram, and if either of the follicles are big enough, I'll also get an HCG trigger injection. This will trigger a sure ovulation of those follicles.

Round Three

2008-08-26T09:48:00.002-04:00

I went to the RE yesterday to reconfirm that I'm not pregnant, and to get the prescription for my next round of Clomid. I'm up to 150mg/day now. I'm just going into this cycle not worrying or getting upset or uptight about it. Whatever happens happens.

When I went to CVS to fill the prescription they wouldn't because they said it was over the allowed dosage. WTF? So I had to go back a few hours later after they got an approval code from the doctor. Oh well.

It's weird. I had worse side effects from 50mg than i did on 100mg. I wonder how I'll be on 150.

Negative

2008-08-19T15:45:00.001-04:00

Not pregnant, confirmed by blood.

Up next: round three of clomid.

Progesterone Suppositories

2008-08-13T09:45:00.000-04:00

Ick. Now I know why they say to use them before bed. All I can say is panty liners are a must.

Low Progesterone

2008-08-12T21:40:00.000-04:00

My progesterone came back low today, so I have to take a progesterone suppository to keep it up. (Progesterone prepares the lining of the uterus for pregnancy. Without enough progesterone implantation can be difficult, or can lead to miscarriage.)

For some reason my RE's office likes to use a "special" pharmacy for the progesterone. Seems odd to me, because it shouldn't be something tough to get. I even asked around and no one I know that's needed it had any problem getting it. So I've been sitting around all night waiting for the delivery from this very special pharmacy.

Nothing to update

2008-08-11T22:07:00.002-04:00

Going in to have my progesterone checked tomorrow. I don't know how conclusive it so, so it's still a wait and see game.

The Long Wait

2008-08-06T21:29:00.001-04:00

This will be with longest 2 week wait ever.

Today I felt a little crampy and sore, but not bad. Back to normal tomorrow.

IUI Complete

2008-08-05T11:31:00.003-04:00

8am we went in for JB to produce his specimen. They told us to come back in an hour, so we went and had breakfast. Back to the office where we signed in again, and we waited. And waited. We waited for almost 90 minutes. Me? I don't care so much. What else did I have to do today. Him? A bundle of nerves. Twitching, sighing, tense.

Finally we got called back and shown to a room. The nurse came in and we signed all the paperwork indicating that we were both cool with the procedure, and that we were both who we said we are, then the doctor came in and did his thing.

It was uncomfortable, but not unbearable. The nurse said it would feel like a pap, but yeah, not quite. It wasn't as bad as the HSG I had back in January, but it was worse than a pap. Let's just hope this takes, so I don't have to go through another cycle of this.

Still no line, but...

2008-08-04T14:29:00.002-04:00

My follicle (only one... don't know what happened to the other!) is 23mm as of today, and my E2 levels are "surging" so off we go for IUI tomorrow morning!

No Line

2008-08-03T21:29:00.002-04:00

Not a dark enough one, anyway.

This means our brief getaway is off, which really sucks, because we both really need to get out of here. At least we spent a nice weekend on Staten Island.

Tomorrow I'm back for blood and another sono. Keep your fingers crossed that Tuesday is the day.

Seriously?

2008-08-01T11:33:00.000-04:00

14.5 and 10.5. Seriously, follicles, that's not the right answer. Those are the measurements from this morning, which means that we don't have to cancel our plans for tonight, but we do have to cancel our VACATION plans for Monday. Come on, man! Vacation was supposed to take my mind off the last few days of the 2ww, instead it MIGHT be just beginning, and we don't even get the luxury of getting out of this damn city for a few days.

If by some miracle my E2 levels are way up today, I'll get a call to do IUI tomorrow, or if I get a dark positive OPK tomorrow or Sunday, we can go in Monday for the IUI and salvage vacation.

Slowest Follicles on the Planet

2008-07-30T14:57:00.000-04:00

Follicles (eggs) need to be approximately 20mm in size and my E2 (estradiol) levels need to be at least 300 in order to attempt IUI. Last cycle I was on 50mg of Clomid and I hit 300+ on CD18. This cycle I was on 100mg of Clomid, so my doctor thought I would ovulate sooner. Not me!

Today is CD18, and my two mature follicles are 11.5 and 12mm. Up from 10 and 10.5 on Monday. WTF eggs? Get MOVING! My E2 must still be low today, because the office hasn't called. The doc was pleased with that rise though: from 57 on Friday to 100+ on Monday.

5 years

2008-07-29T18:42:00.000-04:00

We've been trying to have a baby for almost 5 year now. It's been on and off, but we've never not tried in all that time. Last month we, well... I started seeing a reproductive endocrinologist. A fertility doctor. It hasn't been easy.

Right now I'm in the middle of my second cycle of Clomid. The first cycle was half the dose I took this cycle, and I was a sloth last cycle. So far this cycle the side effects don't seem as intense, although I get a lot more hot flashes.

I see the doctor about once a week. Since I'm coming up on ovulation right now, I was there Monday, and I'm going again tomorrow. If all looks good, we expect to do IUI (intrauterine insemination, or what used to be called "artificial insemination") at the end of the week.

I meant to start this blog the first day I went to the RE, but was so overwhelmed that I couldn't. I'm ok with it now. Or at least I'm ok with it all at this moment. As me again in 15 minutes.